Have you ever been on fourth date, and you're already fantasizing about the future?
Or worse, the entrees wasn't yet served but you already feel warm and fuzzy inside, imagining you and your date living together?
Maybe, imagining yourself and your date on a cruise, or on an trip abroad. For some reason he/she amazed you so easily that you can not resist falling for him/her.
I've been on dates since my recent break up and I've felt this way for the people I've dated. Then, it dawned on me after hours my thinking brain interrogated my feeling brain, that there are many factors to consider why we feel this way and the price to pay that comes along with it.
So before taking actions I need to balance logic and my feelings first, because this might just be a fluke that will lead to disaster. Wasting my time and cause emotional stress for both my date and myself.
THINKING BRAIN AND FEELING BRAIN
Thankfully, my feeling and thinking brain got along during this interrogation session and both cooperated so much so that the interrogation was conducted smoothly.
Thinking brain asked, "Do you miss the feeling of other people doing generous acts to prove you are loved?"
Feeling brain answered doubtlessly, "Yes."
"Interesting, but it is human nature for people to yearn for these acts, so don't worry Feeling brain, most people feel the same after a break up", reassured the Thinking brain.
As I watch this small interaction between the two, I concluded that I might be falling quickly to the people I date, not because they are who they are, but because I am in love with the idea of falling in love. That giddy feeling of having someone no matter who they may be that expresses their affection.
It is not love towards a person but the love of being in a state of euphoria knowing someone out there cares romantically about you. It is fake, and not a good foundation of a healthy relationship.
And the price to pay is being in a dysfunctional relationship, where you project self-validation to your potential partner. It shows your inner desperation of affection, that will creep out of you subliminally, and will make you come off as needy. Ultimately, this neediness and desperation will lead to a brutal rejection, if not a toxic relationship of co-dependency.
The Thinking brain continues, "How do you feel being alone?"
The Feeling brain answered, "It's a mix of emotions, sometimes I feel lonely but then I go out and treat myself coffee and read my book on coffee shops. Then I work out and sweat a lot and somehow this activities gets me to live in the moment, it may be brief but I feel satisfied when I do them. Then I sit to be with myself and talk to you, its not a fun conversation but I think it helps understand myself".
Thinking brain: "Do you feel good writing about this?"
Feeling brain: "Hmmm... that is a tricky one. I write about this on my journal but the sheer fact that I get to write this in a medium where everyone can see our vulnerable opinions on the matter is somehow exciting and makes me feel wee bit courageous."
Could it be? That I fall quickly so I can put on a temporary band aid to a huge scar I got from my recent relationship. If that's the case, then I need to slap some sense into my head. If I do not honor the pain caused by being alone, and dealing with such pain in a healthy way then the price to pay is; going through life jumping through one relationship to another, not because I feel sincere about my feelings towards my partners but due to the fear of being alone.
This will only lead to plenty of heartaches to any parties involved. Wasted time and effort. It might even be so bad that it causes financial troubles.
So what now?
If I may suggest a solution. It is to define what love actually is for you.
Are you willing to change for the sake of that person?
Are you willing to sacrifice for that person?
Are you willing to put that person's needs before us?
Lastly, are you willing to let go?
If the answer to those 4 questions is yes, if you seriously look deep within you and the sincere answer is yes. Then you might really be in love. Well, this is just how I define love for myself. This definition is free, you can use it too. Or you can define one for yourself.
If the answer is no then, its okay. Just keep working on yourself, keep having fun with your friends and love ones, and learn to be alone in a healthy way. Set boundaries on how romantically selfless you are willing to be to other people.
Once, you have that boundary you are willing to cross. Then you can be at least more sure than before that you are in love.
But if you do not want to cross that border then it is not the end of the world, that only means you need to spend more time with the person you feel attracted to until you realize to be selfless towards them.
A lot of self-interrogation will help as well to understand what love is for you. If its truly love, or some other feeling that just got you confused.