Equivalent Exchange

I am at a point where I am no longer feeling excitement to future events.

I am so used to being alone and lonely that everyday is just a monotonous chore. Eat, play a game, code then feel tired and lonely by the end of the day is my routine.

On a brighter note, I’ve learned new tools on JavaScript that made it easier for me make beautiful charts using Apollo, GraphQL, React-Redux, Redux Saga and all sorts of stuff.

For a slight moment it gave me a distraction to the fact that I am lonely to the core. I feel empty. It could be just a phase that I feel today but I think this feeling is sticking cause it is coming back and forth.

Having in front of the computer for long hours coding made me rich but in exchange had made me lonely. Praises from different people are heard but it sparks nothing.

Sometimes you really can not have it all. High paying job? Money? For what? For me to be alone?

I mean I am comfortable because of the money and I feel infinitely grateful that I am able to help others with this blessing of a fat wallet. But I can’t help but feel jealous when I see other people on a restaurant facing each other eating and sharing stories. While I am there sitting facing my food.

The food taste great but the bitter aftertaste of being alone lasts longer on the tongue than the food.

They say solidarity is good, well it really went well for me cause now I am introspecting and sometimes my mind is not a good companion. I wonder how other people do it for years.

Maybe its the fact that they are alone on their own terms while for me I was blind sided by my delusion that it will be great. But when I got there, it really was not (for me).

There are some upside to it. Living alone, you get to do whatever you want. I also got used to being alone, and I have time to learn new things coding wise which I might not be able to if I spend time with a companion.

But I am afraid that I am liking it too much that I do not want to relinquish this freedom just so I can have a partner to live with.

There is an exchange for everything but there is also balance. Find some parts of you, you’d like to exchange for whatever it is in the world you’d want.

More time? maybe exchange it with being jobless…

There is no such thing as free, it always comes with something to exchange with. We are in an eternal cycle of giving away something for gaining something. For now, I am just learning to balance what I’ll give off to the universe/God/or whatever entity I feel to oblige with at the time.